I smoked my first cigarette and got my first boyfriend back when I was thirteen. I first cut classes, drank my first beer, went to my first open party, got drunk for the first time, lost my virginity and joined TBS XII when I was fourteen. I smoked my first joint of marijuana, snorted meth and tried a lot of other kinds of drugs for the first time when I was fifteen. I also got kicked out of my old school, went in a club for the first time, got my first tattoo and got my tongue pierced thrice when I was fifteen. That was also the year I joined Rho Delta Rho. I was supposed to join Tau Gamma but luckily, my friends talked me out of it. Back when I was still in St. Paul College, Pasig, in my first year of high school, I got suspended for a total of eleven days and in my second year of high school, I was under probation before getting expelled due to my lack of attendance, academic performance and behavior.
I was a chain smoker, alcoholic, gangster, drug user, party girl, out of school youth all in one person — I was an out of control teenager. I had three therapists and I also went to rehab but none of it worked out so much for me. I lied my way out and convinced my doctors that I was just having a phase but I knew I needed treatment.
I was known as a “badass” and that I will most likely not have any future at all; that I was either gonna turn out as a bum, in jail or dead. Everybody knew if they were gonna look for me, the last place they’d look for me was at home because I was rarely at my own house. People knew me as the girl you’d see hanging out with people from all walks of life — from celebrities to DoTA players, heartthrobs to jejemons, students from private schools AND public schools, lesbians, gays, rich kids, drug addicts, people in college and/or who work, kids in elementary and the likes. This was cool back then with the people who knew me considering I was part of a family in the upper social class and I studied in one of the top private exclusive schools and way before that, I used to be this snobby girl who chose her friends and if you did not make the cut, you weren’t worth my time. Plus, I did not look and seem like I was the kind you’d see doing those kinds of things or go to those kinds of places mostly because I was so friendly and nice. I did not look like I was the kind who was troubled because of my happy-go-lucky personality.
Now that I’m seventeen, looking back, I regret everything. I have done things only a few people can do at that age, and things people really shouldn’t do at any age. I can’t imagine how much a pain I was with my teachers and most especially my family. As I grew older, I just got worse so that just means the promises I made lost its meaning more and more. The number of people who had hope in me was decreasing and everyone else just didn’t care anymore. Why would they when I didn’t care about myself and my future too anyway, right?
But when all hope is lost, who else is there to turn to but God? When it came to a point that I knew I was lost and my life was going nowhere, I chose to ask help from the person I thought I would never ask help from ever again. He is definitely most good. Instead of just letting me suffer from my bad decisions, He turned my life around. He showed me the right path, binigyan niya ng direction ulit ang buhay ko. He did this through Sean. He changed my whole game plan when I met him back when I was sixteen. That time, I never really thought he’d be so important to me. Now, he’s someone I’d trade the whole world for. Who knew?
I can’t say that I’ve totally changed. Heck, Sean’s also a lot like me, actually. He also has his vices and bad traits. He has his own story. But he’s changed my life in a way that no one else could. I now look at life as something beautiful, not as something as hard. I learned to appreciate the things I have and he’s inspired me to work hard for the future because I now know that I do have one… And it’s with him. Now, we’re both studying and working as well. From being those kind of kids, we’re now people trying to make up for our mistakes.
Everyone else saw me from that point to my life until now but no one ever knew my side of the story except my best friends Nicole, Andi, Samm and of course, Sean. So I’m glad to be sharing this to a group of awesome people like you guys. Hopefully, you don’t judge me but if you do, I’m sorry you think I was THAT bad that you just had to. Next time na yung story kung ba’t ako nagkaganun, tho :P
My boyfriend is far from what anyone can call perfect. He has pimples, caveman feet, hair on his navel and lower back, a dark complexion with lots of scars due to mosquito bites or bruises and to round off everything, he just isn’t that good looking. He can’t afford to buy me any gifts, he doesn’t have a car, most of his decent clothes were given by me and he doesn’t know how to be sweet. He doesn’t send me good morning and good night text messages, doesn’t treat me dinner, can’t help me with school stuff or problems and doesn’t have the same music taste as me. He’s a kick out, a repeater, a dropout and hasn’t graduated high school when he should be in his fourth year in college with his batch right now. He’s a bum, has no source of income whatsoever, the oldest son of a former (or still present) gay man and a half black woman who are annulled and half of his friends are what I label as jejemons. He’s loud, arrogant, obnoxious, rude, and annoying, but for some mad reason, he still manages to sweep me off my feet.
If there was a word to describe how much I loved him, I wouldn’t be writing this article. The thought of writing this was following the sermon my dad gave me for not going home after six days. I had told him I was with a bunch of my friends in a vacation but the truth was I was at my boyfriend’s the whole time. He asked me, “Why do you still go home?” I don’t usually answer my parents when they reprimand me because that would be rude considering all questions made during a lecture are rhetorical and it would lead to the issue getting bigger but that question really struck me. If I had the freedom to answer, I would say “I’d actually rather be with Sean than here.” Now, that wouldn’t be because I solely wanted that, but also because our family had problems. But anyhow, I knew this was selfish and not well thought of but that’s how I felt.
Being separated from him feels like hell to me — be it for a week, a day or an hour. Everything just seemed better with him around. We do everything together. We eat together, smoke together, sleep together, take a bath together, study together, do chores together. Anything doable, you name it. That’s why saying goodbye was always so hard.
We don’t fight about anything, we give and take, understand each other, know what we both like and dislike, know how to adjust for each other. We know each other’s deepest secrets, even the ones regarding our exes and some others that definitely hurt knowing but we still accept each other nevertheless. We feel the need to be equal about everything. If I have something, he has to have one too. We also believe that in one’s success, we both celebrate and in one’s loss, we both suffer.
We both have the same level of weirdness. When we’re out with friends, we’re partners in coming up with jokes or teasing others. When people pick on fights with any of the two of us, we always have each other’s back. If you live within the vicinity of Metro Manila, you have probably seen us while commuting or in the mall or anywhere, making out, laughing our hearts out, or sharing stories in loud voices. When we’re out, we forget that we’re surrounded with other people. We aren’t discreet or careful like how everyone is supposed to be when they’re out. When people look at us with mean looks or tell us things like “get a room”, we conclude to ourselves “psh, they’re just jealous.”
Sometimes, I feel like he’s my boy version and I’m his girl version. I believe he is my other half and most other times, I feel like we’re the same person. Call it cheesy or stereotypical, but I really believe he completes me.
You could say what we have is something no movie can ever portray. Before I met Sean, my friends and my family used to be everything to me. Now, he is my everything. I used to accept the thought of death and heaven, but now, I am scared of the idea of dying before he does or him dying before I do because I just don’t know what the world would be like without each other. I doubt about the idea of heaven and think what if we all just end up dead? I hate that feeling I get when I think about how time does fly fast and the day we grow old is always a day nearer the next day. Sometimes I wonder what if all of this was just a dream, that he was just a dream? I’ll be damned if I wake up from this if it was.
My optimism and my positivity diminishes when I overthink about these things. I think life is so bittersweet indeed because I have something that most people search their whole lives for and something some people have had but had lost yet possibly is something temporary.
Label me as crazy, obsessed or anything you want, I’d understand. I sometimes think I am but mind you, I’m mentally stable. He is just undeniably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He is the sweetest, kindest and most misunderstood person I know. God (if there is one and I do believe there is) has given me the most genuine, kind hearted and the perfect guy for me. Someone who I know loves me so much and that his love for me will never be matched by anybody else. It’s so great to think that my soulmate happens to live in the same century, country, city and are in the same age group and that everything was just in perfect timing. He makes me think that my life is great despite the problems and mistakes I’m going and have been through. I wish I could explain or show everybody this thing we have because really, I can’t describe how beautiful it is.
|Friend:||Wow magkasama lang tayo nung isang araw dinelete mo pala number ko si girl toh!|
|WRU = who are you daw :||((((((((((((((((((((|
It feels great that tho I haven’t been as active as I was before someone still remembers me!! Thank you, datemptationsofgilaten for nominating me x
11 random facts
1. I’d choose chill drinking sessions with real friends over partying with people I can’t be real with any night.
2. Some people have given up on “forever”, but I believe that Sean and I will prove them otherwise.
3. I will always consider May 14, July 23 and September 23 of the year 2012 as the best days of my life.
4. I never actually planned on falling in love with my boyfriend the day we met. Binalak ko lang talagang tikman. Oopsie daisy no h8 pls ✿✿✿
5. I can’t lie: I am very judgmental. I bash on people who are different, who don’t belong to the “cool” crowd or who are weird. I judge people on their lifestyles, the way they speak English, from what school they’ve been and who they hang out with. I don’t like people who try too hard to impress others. People who tell everyone they smoke cigarettes or weed, people who say they’re addicted to piercings and/or tattoos when they only have less than ten and people who claim that they’re “famous” when most of the people I know don’t know them unless they’re jejemons. But instead of telling them how I really feel, I instead tell them what I do like about them and try my best to be nice. If I have nothing nice say, I literally don’t say anything at all. Di sa pagiging plastik, tao lang talaga ako.
6. I can only be this honest here on Tumblr and/or with my boyfriend.
7. If you knew me personally, you would see me as a happy-go-lucky kind of person. You’d think I was never sad, or never got mad, or never was too mean. But deep inside, I have a lot of feelings bottled up.
8. Deep secrets aside, I am known as Mars but only a very few knows my real name. Other nicknames include Planeta, Aggy, Bulol, Bunso, and Consi.
9. I was raised not to befriend people who came from public schools or lived in the squatters area but being the person who wants to meet all kinds of people in all walks of life, I did. I realized how my parents should think twice that not all people who came from that kind of upbringing are bad people — they did not choose to be less privileged. After taking that big risk, I met so much people I’d consider as my real friends than most of my so-called “friends” from the upper social class.
10. I’d rather be out and about with my boyfriend than stay at home at the moment. Everything feels fucked up ever since we moved into this new place.
11. I became a member of TBS XIII back when I was 14. Not something to be proud about, but I kinda am. :-)
11 Questions from ate Gila
1. Before you started answering this, what were you doing?
I just got home after three days of with Sean. Opened my Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr and E-mail accounts :-)
2. How many rings before you answer the phone?
I usually don’t take calls. I feel awkward when talking on the phone, honestly. I just hang up then tell them to text me.
3. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
Like I said, awhile ago HAHAHA I stayed at Sean’s place because I didn’t really feel like going home.
4. Seen anything weird lately?
Not so far, I think.
5. Do you like to dance?
No. I never had the talent. The closest I ever got to dancing was doing the gangnam style or the gentleman which I don’t consider dancing. Whenever I’m at the club, I just like to bang my head to the beat and that’s it.
6. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning?
What time it is.
7. What’s the farthest-away place you’ve been?
Hm.. Can’t say.
8. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?
Anyone, really. I don’t really feel the need to meeting anyone else anymore because I already met the one for me (yie)
9. What do you do most when you are bored?
Smoke or text my friends asking where they are or if they have plans.
10. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be?
Not sure. I just want to sleep with the thought of me still making money.
11. Which came first the chicken or the egg?
I believe it was the chicken because the Bible never mentioned God making eggs, but it did mention Him making chickens and other animals!!
1. Have you ever checked out my blog? :)
2. Define love.
3. Who is your first love?
4. When was your first kiss?
5. Most unforgettable moment:
6. From where are you? What school and if you’re from the province, have you ever been to Manila?
7. Do you believe in ghosts? Why or why not?
8. If there was one person you could bring back from the dead, who would it be and why?
9. If there’s one thing you can change about yourself, what would it be?
10. What did you want to be when you grow up? Are you pursuing that or have you chosen a different career path?
11. What is the most important thing in your life?
|Me:||Good morning, beautiful *with matching low voice and batting eyes*|
still don’t consider myself a lady since i’m still 17 so i think “girl” is the more correct word lol of course i remember you!!! you’ll always be one of my favorite people on here bc u have always been on full support ever since you followed back!!! why’d you change ur url tho??? u will always make my day!!!! thank you so much. missed writing about my life and i missed the people on here who are just as sweet charming, amazing, loyal, gorg and beautiful as you keep being lovely xx
Thank you, Tumblr friends. You guys make me happy!
I honestly never thought I’d make any friends here. I have a lot of friends in my life outside Tumblr but I never felt comfortable with meeting people online but I’m glad I took that risk. All I ever wanted was to have an outlet of my feelings through writing and I never expected to meet a lot of different people here.
Through Tumblr, I have gone to a lot of other people’s minds. Here, I learned about what it felt like to be paasa-ed, lonely, and bullied. I have learned about what I made other people feel because admittedly, I was a bully. I honestly thought that people whose lives were Tumblr, had no social lives. I was the kind who’d label someone ugly, stupid, worthless, fat, a nerd and what not. I as the kind who made other people who did not belong to the “in crowd” feel out of place and unwanted. I was the kind of person who bullied out of fun. But when I visited and read a number of posts regarding bullying, I found myself in tears. I realized how those kinds of actions lead to depression, insecurity and worse — suicide.
I’m glad I found Tumblr and though this site is addictive, it has done me a lot of good. Not only does it keep me out of getting back to trying drugs, it made me rethink about society. And I would just like to tell everyone that has been bullied and hurt by others like me:
You don’t deserve the pain. No one does. Never let anyone change you because in God’s eyes, you are perf.
Again, I just want to thank Tumblr and the people in it. Here’s to us beautiful people! Cheers!